While in Penang, we (Gavin, James, Jamie, Joshua, Kingsley, Ming, Vic, Yow, me) were Internetless and hence Facebook-deprived. some of us were experiencing withdrawal symptoms. but thank God for the wifi at Julian's place, and the super cool and happening RM1/hour cyber cafe...so we could do this nonsense.
On King's wall...
On my Penang photo album...
On my FB wall...
Can't imagine what life would be like without Facebook! XD
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Hello there, i'm back!!*crickets chirp*So, i went to Penang for the weekend++ (one plus sign stands for Friday, one for Monday. hoho one of the advantages of being a student - no need to take leave)!!! it was FUN!
Don't feel like talking much now, my voice box is tired from all the joking & laughing & attempting to order food in Hokkien, so here are some photos!!! (mostly sights & sounds shots...Jamie says i should try to remember to take photos of humans sometimes)
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Sorry, there was an error in uploading the photos, so i lazy already lah. btw can you believe it i'd actually forgotten which button to click for uploading photos, it's been so long! :D
So basically this was a pointless post. whee :)
it scares me that the first thing that greeted the 86 visitors here yesterday was my angst-filled post which in actual fact was not referring to what was written per se; being an insightful person you would see that it was merely the tip of the iceberg, and not as straightforward as certain simple-minded beings (who take everything in the world personally) would think, thereby not adhering to the purpose of this blog - to inspire/encourage, i hope. it scares me, what i could become in times like this. every muscle in me longs to delete the post but it wouldn't be ethical, would it? why i even care about adhering to ethics on my personal weblog i do not know, but maybe i am just rigid that way - don't think i am not trying to change that, for the one who suffers its consequences the most is myself. in order to prevent myself from further abusing my blog and regretting all the pollution i have caused afterwards, here i am to impose a blogging hiatus on myself, at least till the end of my exams, for i need some time by myself to sort out my thoughts, while not exposing its ugliness in the process, given my impulsive tendencies to write. not that anyone cares to read. hopefully i won't manage to un-friend all my friends and graduate friendless, seeing how many friendships are conditional, as humans are self-seeking. till then, keep me in your prayers will you, and enjoy these videos of my current fave sitcom. great form of escapism, movies.
& this is the best one yet!
so i am sitting down.
here's the thing. i can't do my FIFTY PERCENT assignment which is due this friday(!!!) which has been on my mind every single day(!!) since the start of this semester properly cos i can't think properly cos there's so many things going on in my mind and i guess i need to spill something or i'll go crazy. my assignment has gotta be PERFECT cos i want it that way cos it's my most favourite subject, my most favourite lecturer, and it's my final semester, gotta give my best!
with the rise of visitors, in particular certain people whom i would rather not be aware of the existence of this blog, it has lost the original purpose for which it was created, which is to be a safe place for me to share my thoughts to the general public. i have stopped posting on my more serious thoughts so as to avoid creating controversies, knowing how self-righteous & judgmental certain people may be. several times i have contemplated quitting this blog for this reason but have refrained. i love writing.
one of the things that's been bothering me immensely since last Friday is this particular auntie. not related to me, but someone from church. now, if you've been reading my blog long enough you'd know of my dislike for aunties (my definition: person of usually the female gender (but not necessarily), possessing a talent for banality, endless reminiscing and gossiping, who only sees things in black and white). and i have good reason for it.
this auntie i have been trying to tolerate since forever. right now i am feeling so angry i could call that auntie to give her a piece of my mind, but again i must refrain because my actions reflect on my parents, anyway i may sound like a sinner saying this - although i love many of the people there, i thank God i don't have to go to that church every week and face The Aunties - the term my counselor used to refer to them.
me, i'm a private person. if i could, i would be invisible. in class, i like to sit near the sides where no one notices me. i never ask/answer questions if i can help it. i like big groups where i can get lost in them. i don't like people knowing about my life beyond what i choose to tell them. physical wise, i don't like girl friends holding my hand/waist/kissing me (yes i have friends who want to kiss me when they want to thank me for a favour, HALLO STAY AWAY PLEASE DONT BE SO FREAKY CAN?! next time i don't want to do you favour already).
hugs are acceptable in 3 conditions: if we haven't seen each other in a long time/ if one of us are crying and 'need a hug'/ when we take photos and want to appear close so we can look back and think we were happy. i also don't get why girls like to call me all the gross mushy names like 'dear'/'honey'/'cutie'/'love' OMG once awhile OK la, if everyday, you make me squirm in disgust, pls save those for your boyfriendsssss! normal people call each other 'hey'/'oi'/'fatty'.
and what i paling don't like is when girls say something along the lines of, "i know you don't like it, but do you mind if i kiss your cheek?" dah lah cakap you know i don't like, hallo are you even listening to yourself?!! and the thing is, they think that all these nonsense will help them feel closer to their friend (me in this case), while in actual fact it is the exact opposite (as i have tried explaining only like one hundred million times)! then if i answer, "cannot", they feel hurt & rejected. why are girls so blonde sometimes. what do they eat, shieldtox?? @_@
ok sorry got carried away. clearly i am not thinking straight now, i am dehydrated because i don't like the taste of my house yellow water & probably OD on sore throat meds.
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so back to the Auntie. she is kaypoh. yes she (and some others) have made a couple remarks to/about me before in the past which had hurt me immensely, but i still respect her cos in essence she is still an auntie, and well, i am trying to be a good Christian, forgiving. although in general i try to stay at least 10m radius away from her vicinity so that i don't get irritated & act as i should not, whenever she talks to me i answer politely and i am nice to her kids. but she said something on Friday which totally blew me off my feet, i was so shocked at its implications that i was rendered speechless at the time.
she said, "so, you still with The One?"
me, "huh? which one?"
"there...the one...one..."
"oh, Wan! yeah" (John's mum's surname is Wan, omg i'm so smart for figuring out aunties' confusions)
"so, how are you all?"
"err...okay?" (look away as a nonverbal cue to stop asking, noneofyourbusinessgoaway)
"so i see that he took off his earring already ah, he become good boy already huh, because of you huh?"
i did not see it coming. so all this while, she had thought that John was a 'bad boy'? because of his single ear piercing? my goodness, it is totally irrelevant & none of her business! hmm, so did she think he was a bad influence on me as well? her congratulatory tone of voice suggested that i had triumphed over evil by bringing him over to the bright side. gosh, sometimes these people's over-religiosity makes me so baffled. because of this, i am not surprised that the Great Commission is not being fulfilled in certain communities. :(
i could not answer her because my mother was nearby, and it would be absolutely inappropriate as we were at the funeral parlour, anyway it would be a waste of my time because aunties only listen to what confirms their preconceived opinions. but Auntie, if you are reading this (which you are not, cos you don't like to broaden your perspective by gaining knowledge on a range of topics), i hope you stop judging people like that already.
now, let us analyze her comment. as for the 'earring' part, John is not like that. in fact, he has stopped wearing his earring cos he's just lazy to/misplaced all his earrings/they are not nice enough, so being a perfectionist he'd rather go without. in fact, his mother bought him an earring, she is not against the idea, thus it was not an act of rebellion on his part. and in fact, i am the one who reminds him that he still has that hole in his earlobe & to please make use of it! YES I LIKE PPL WHO LOOK LIKE AH BENGS OK HAPPY?
as for 'becoming a good boy', John has definitely changed in the 7 years that i've known him. who hasn't? i'd be worried if he'd remained the same!! in Auntie terms, i guess you could say he has more or less 'become a good boy', but of course you don't expect raging teenage hormones to carry on into your twenties and thirties?!
as for the 'because of me' part, no, i don't think so. in fact it's the other way round. he's the one who always encourages me to go to church & cell group when i'm so not in the mood (and make up the excuse of 'if my heart is not right, i should not do it, blablabla'). fyi, cell group is walking distance from his house, but he'd come all the way to fetch me to CG. with the jam it could take 1.5 hours. after church, he always offers to send some friends home too (who live an hour's drive away), and even waits for them to finish their ministry work. i don't think i have that kind of patience. when i'm away and miss church, he updates me on the sermon. sometimes i take notes of his mini-sermon. when i'm angry at the world, he helps me see another perspective (eg: i was pissed off that i was not thanked for a card that i'd stayed up till 5am to make for someone, and John said i should not be, cos my original intention was not to be thanked, but to show love to the person, which i did. and he was right). when i tell him my problems he tells me to pray. he texts me randomly and asks if i have any prayer requests. he thanks God for stuff even when he's had a bad day. OK he is not that perfect but this paragraph is about his positive points mah!
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back to the earring thing. what is the whole issue with guys & earrings anyway? personally, i think there is nothing wrong with it. of course my home church pastor disagrees & so does my mother. but i have talked to her and we came to no conclusion, because seriously, there is none. the most commonly cited verse against the practice is the one where in the Old Testament, piercings were a mark of slavery. but that doesn't answer why it is ok for girls to have their ears pierced. if we are still to follow the Laws in the OT, should the men also not trim their beards, and should we discard all our polyester/rayon/elasticated clothing, since it is written not to mix fibres in our cloth?
another common reason people give is less concrete, more culture-bound. they say, the way you dress sends others messages of the sort of person you are. and well, in many social circles, ear piercings in guys is a sign of rebellion. true, but again, that depends on the social context, aye? if a 55-year-old respectable & well-liked doctor of your town decides to get his ear pierced, would you say he is being rebellious too? against who, his wife?
still others say, piercings should not be done cos it makes a permanent mark on your body, a temple of the Holy Spirit. so are clip-ons acceptable? :) also, does not answer why it is ok for girls.
some say, only gays wear a single earring. so it could send messages contradictory to the faith. hmm, so would two piercings be better than one?
still some people, to avoid arguments and to keep things simple, say, "it's not functional, you don't need it, so why pierce and invite criticism?". well, if clothes were worn for purely functional purposes, why do we see people wearing different styles and colours of clothing? i believe God is a creative God, and as we are made in His image, we are creative beings too. He made us to enjoy beautiful things; is nature not a testimony of His awesome creativity, and woman not the personification of beauty? different people express their creativity differently. some paint, some write songs, some discover new drugs to cure diseases. to me, wearing an earring is merely a channel of self-expression.
lastly, do you honesly think that God is concerned whether or not you wear an earring? did He not say many times that He looks not at the outward appearance, but at the heart? again, what's important is the intention which motivated one to pursue the hole in the earlobe in the first place. and the intention which motivates aunties to put people down. sigh. what can i do to make things right? Aunties, i am not perfect, but please let God judge, not you.
P.S. if you have views on guys & ear piercings, for or against, pls share. we learn :)
the afternoon air hung still around me, the rays of the sun partly blocked by the heavy clouds, lingering lower than usual. invisible dust particles swirled in tiny circles close to the ground ever so slightly with every little breeze. as the city dwellers slaved behind walls of concrete and glass, i walked the familiar path towards what i have now come to call home. the only audible sounds were that of my own footsteps on the sun-baked stone-tiled ground, its glory days long gone with wear and tear by ungrateful souls, and the fading voices of rich men's drivers taking one of their perpetual cigarette breaks. i wondered about racism. as the silence closed in around me, i too withdrew into myself, experiencing each fraction of emotion tucked away in that nonexistant corner at the back of my cerebellum. thoughts flooded my mind; they were in rivalry. failing to reconcile them, back into their individual dwellings i shoved them, tactfully positioning a valley in between. i found myself on the edge of a cliff which marked the border of reality and fantasy, normality and abnormality. i questioned normality. how could the waves have rolled by so quickly in succession of one another? upon which shore have they washed my whispered wishes? i must embark on my search. i thought i was, but i am not. i am unable. would it be easier to merge with the lukewarm stone-tiled ground? if to give up one means abandoning the other, if this road leads to stagnant waters, perhaps it is time i trace my footsteps back towards the land of the weaklings. hopefully i'll catch up with the germs.
i stepped into the ward and couldn't help noticing that the young lady who had occupied the bed by the door the night before had been replaced by someone at least 30 years older. or could she have appeared to have aged so much in the span of 24 hours? who knows what these medications do to people's bodies. her relatives paced within 3m radius from her bed. not her young haggard-looking (from worry, i presume) husband - a different match from yesterday. only 2 possibilities: she had gotten better, and had been transferred to a ward for the less sick patients / she had been deported to another world.
snapping out of my thoughts i walked on towards my (maternal) Grandmother's bed. as has been her custom ever since she got a stroke back in 2005, she held up her good hand to greet me. she asked when am i going back to KL? and as usual told me to study hard and be kuai. my mother, her sister, and i attended to her needs for a while before i had to leave, as by right only 1 visitor is permitted. i waved goodbye in my usual leisurely manner, in the same tone as has been my custom ever since i learned how to talk.
if everyone had an assigned seismograph in heaven that spits out recordings of our mood states for our guardian angels' reference, mine would have shown dramatic rises and falls in the past week. it seemed as though everyone around me was either being admitted into hospital/ being discharged from hospital/ taking care of someone in hospital/ visiting someone in hospital.
just 2 weeks ago my Brother was finally discharged from his 8-day stay in hospital. then soon after my Grandmother was admitted for diabetes. then John had a sudden fever which the doctor had cautioned to possibly be dengue, thus when i noticed a strange carrot-orange rash i bugged him to see a doctor again (me of all people - who refuses to see a doctor unless i have to). (btw, i found out that the doctor whose clinic i used to visit as a kid had passed away on Friday due to leukemia.)
now, i too was not spared from seeing a doctor. last Wed i had to go for a minor operation due to a chalazion [pronounced: ker-lay-zee-earn] on my bottom right eyelid.
procedure of operation (pls skip if u don't like these things):
1. See needle coming towards eye AHH!
2. Doctor injects local anesthesia near eye, rub hardly into cheekbone
3. Whole eyelid feels numb & strange
4. Doc clamps bottom eyelid, asks if it's painful
5. I say, oww oww yes pain!
6. Doc rubs cheekbone harder & i try to think of happy birds singing :'(
7. Doc injects 2nd dose of local anesthesia, clamps again.
8. I don't feel much pain anymore...
9. Bottom eyelid is inverted
10. Doc makes incision (small cut)
11. Some fluid flows onto my eyeball, yuck
12. Doc takes sharp metal object, inserts into incision, scrapes
13. I see little lumps extracted & placed on a dish
14. I ask what color is it & doc shows me
15. We chat about Dr Hera & i make a joke which doesn't make sense
16. After 15min, done!
17. Eye covered with gauze eye pad
18. I thank Doc. soon, the anastasia anesthesia wears off, ouch. i feel blood inside my eye pad!
19. I cannot see clearly/ estimate distance of objects well. no mood to go shopping with Jamie anymore :( happy to remove the eye pad after 3 hours. I thank God for my 2 eyes!
20. For the next 2 days, bloody fluid continue oozing out slowly. i keep grossing my friends out whenever i take tissue to wipe my eyeball. hahaha.
So girls, be careful to clean your eye area when u wash your face! cos your eyelash follicles can be clogged by dust/dirt and then u get a chalazion (which sounds like a nice name for your pet female lion, whose boyfriend is zion). especially to those who wear contacts/ eyeliner frequently.
i was transformed from Quasimodo to Captain Hook.
i will be still and know
You are God.
From the moment we are born, the process of aging begins. our body produces dead skin cells, our hair fall, our skin gets tainted by mosquito bites and bruises. with every step we take, we stretch and strain our skin and ligaments. with every breath we take, we shorten the lifespan of our lungs and hearts. with every gulp of water, we use up the life of our bladders. with every kind of food we take in, we pollute our stomachs and livers. the toxins in the air and UV rays damage our eyes, causing our vision to deteriorate. dirty air is breathed in and goes into our bloodstreams, right up to our brains and destroys a couple thousand brain cells. we hear people curse and swear, and shout arrows of sarcasm and hurt, and a part of our hearts harden each time. every day that we are living, we are also dying. only, mostly oblivious.
Hmmm. It's been almost 4 months now since Popo (my paternal grandmother) went home to heaven. And since then, I've only been back to Malacca 4 times. I think everyone back home have gotten used to it, while I still forget sometimes. Forget to minus one person at dinnertime, forget that if I go out and don't bring my keys, there won't be her to open the gate for me when I return. Takes time, i guess.
In that 4 months, funnily, I've learned more about some of my friends. hmm. nuff said.
I was looking through Popo's old photo albums and found some really lovely photos. There's just something about old photographs which seem to capture time and tell a story. By observing the facial expressions, body postures, positions of various people & the distance between them, clothes & accessories worn, you can feel like you were actually there.
Popo looking very pretty :)
sweet Popo & macho man Kongkong
His friends & her friends?
This was on their wedding day, i suppose. Popo got married together with her best friend, who was present at her funeral! imagine attending your best friend's funeral.....
People who knew Kongkong say my Dad looks exactly like his father. I can see the resemblance in this photo!
Back in those days, Kongkong was one of the few people who had a car in his village. He used to take the village kids out for car rides, bought them sweets/took them to the movies (i can't remember the exact details).
Anyways i have no idea if the absolutelycutevintage car in the photo above was his. hehehe. it just reminded me of that particular story I'd heard as a kid.
Family trip to A'Famosa, Malacca! That's how it looked like before the Malaccan Government refurbished it.
Popo (2nd from right, standing) was a schoolteacher back then. She taught Mandarin (ironically 4 out of 5 of her children were sent to English schools, thus all her grandchildren are bananas). I think that is a photo of the school staff?
Check out the lovely vintage dresses. teachers back then so gaya.
I have no idea what is this photo all about, but the news posters are the coolest - "Fire in KL Park" / "Rebels Flee To Malaya". and that classic black bicycle in the background. wow.
On the trishaw - a mode of transportation in the then slow-paced Malacca, before tourism overtook our state and put a high price on all the good things.
Oh i remember the days when trishaws were not overladen with multicoloured plastic flowers and covered with ugly bright umbrellas sponsored by Maxis/Digi. There were a couple times when I took the trishaw home after primary school, only 50 cents per ride if i remember correctly. Now it's RM40/half an hour, so nonsense!
Popo with us older cousins (Jason, Marilyn, Magdalene, me the youngest!) at a trip to Genting Highlands. she always enjoyed holidays to cold places, in fact only last year she went to Cameron Highlands with her church friends!
During the funeral I met one of her friends who reminisced about the trip (and some other stuff, but for half the things she said which I did not understand, I made up for by nodding & smiling. hehe).
Popo, Rest In Peace Have lotsa fun in heaven, skip & jump around without joint pains anymore! :)
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